Nouman Ali Khan

Hi, like the majority of the people in Indonesia, I am a Muslim.

I am a highly critical person, I don't take something as it is, I always analyze it and always see it from an objective point of view. Same goes to my religion. I was born a Muslim, and my family isn't extremely religious, and since I was little I was exposed to many cultures and religions, so I had many point of views.

My parents since high school always gave me the freedom to pick my own school. Me, being little, always followed my brother's chosen school which happens to be an Islamic school. I don't know why he chose the school but I think he also follows his friends.

In these Islamic schools (junior high and senior high) I was thought the culture, the way to pray, the language, the history, etc etc, but i wasn't thought why. Why? I didn't know why I had to study Arabic. I didn't know why I have to pray. I didn't know why I have to study the culture. I didn't know why I had to cover my hair. I essentially didn't care at all at that time, because no teacher answered my curiosity, but they always answer the smart and outgoing kids though, me being an ordinary (physically and grades) maybe is why.

They always lecture us every afternoon, but the lectures are always making us feel guilty, blaming, or scaring us, rather than encouraging us.  At that age I always thought that they are what Muslim should be like, and I am not like them, like praying until they cry, fasting every week or so, saying the love the prophet Muhammad so much etc. These teacher always gave me an impression that if I'm not knowledgeable enough about the history, the Quran, and all the other stuff that they are "masters" in, then i'm not worthy of heaven or Islam it self. It made me feel a bit frightened and reluctant to study about Islam.

Same for the media and the "religious" people around me. A guy I know always prays to the masjid, like always, but he has a temper problem, and doesn't want to hear anyone else's opinion and sometimes like to hurt other people with his words. The ustadz in my neighbourhood once said bad things about the jakarta's governer just because he isn't a muslim. Lots of "muslim" people like to bash other person that's maybe not wearing the hijab or doing something that they think is haram, we all sin in a different way you know.

But I didn't become skeptic or gave up though, deep down I knew that Islam is not like this.

Some people, made me feel what "Islam" is really like. Like my mom, she didn't wear the hijab at that time, but she always have a patience like no other, and always gives back to people without telling anyone. I had a Syekh from Egypt who teaches the Quran and Arabic at my senior high, who teaches it so easily and not forcing or scaring us, and that was my first time that I was genuinely wanted to study Arabic.

Then at college, I had lots of questions regarding Islam, so I finally had the courage to search on Youtube for the answers because when I read blogposts or websites I didn't really understand the words and got bored. Then, Nouman Ali Khan came in the search results. I really don't like hearing religious lectures because i'm a bit traumatized at senior and junior high. But this dude, is great. The ustadz here in Indonesia are always somewhat mad when giving lectures you know. I've watched his videos a lot, it doesn't scare me or making me feel guilty at all, instead, I was inspired and enlightened. No hate, highly rational, tolerant, not forcing,  and calm is all a Muslim should be

I really like this lecture that he gave :

I think that Islam in my country is just messed up really. There are lots of fanatics who claimed to be masters, and mixing it with politics and money, and I bet they don't really understand the true essence of Islam and lots of them have followers who follow them merely because they're in the same side, and complicates it even more.

I am lucky. I didn't run away completely from islam like lots of people because they' are rather scared, The thought that they aren't worthy enough to even try.

I still am not a good Muslim. But I try to learn it, my way, I try to get closer and closer to god each day, in my own silence and comfort, because to me, religion is something sacred, spiritual, personal, because it my relationship and connection to god. Religion is not something to boast, and to force people.

The Flute

If you guys know me, you'll know that I play the flute.

It all started when I was born * dramatic Morgan Freeman voice*. My family was a bunch of musicians and dancers, my grandma is a choreographer, my grandpa was a musician that can play any instruments that you can think of, and all of their children including my mom, has some kind of musical or dancing ability. My mom wanted me to do either one of them so I choose music.

I started having guitar lessons in 3rd grade, I wasn't that good but I can play well but I have to read music sheets, I don't have the musical sense and talent to improvise, unlike my brothers and cousins, I was more in the visual arts side, but nevertheless I enjoyed playing and hearing music. I had guitar lessons for about 6 years, I even bought a white Epiphone Les Paul electric guitar just because I want a guitar like Frank Iero's (yes, it was the emo era). But really, I'm not close to good in playing the guitar, but I enjoyed it.

first days of flute lessons...ah the good ol days

Later, I took a break from guitar lessons from senior high. Then, I went to college in Bandung. My aunt has a house there, that is quite big, because her house is also a music course place. I like to stay there in the weekends to have free food and the Wi-Fi is fast. But my aunt has something different in mind, she asked me one time, "Do you want to take music lessons? I think you need to do something in this house rather than just sleep." Lol...I was caught, but I said yes to the idea.

The very next week during my weekly stay there, she gave me a box. She said, "Your lesson is on fridays okay?" than she left. I opened the box and it was a case. Then I opened the other case and inside there was a flute! A freakin flute. Totally random, because never in my mind that I will play a wind instrument, because you see, I have asthma and also it just never crossed my mind. Later she told me that the flute is somewhat harder to blow than other wind instruments, so by playing the flute is like somekind of therapy for my asthma. She also said that the flute plays melodies, unlike the guitar that can play the both the melody and the rhythm, so it will be easier for me to play it. The box still has the price too and it's quite expensive so I think it's like my aunt's strategy to make me feel guilty and low-key forcing me to take the flute lessons.

So long story short I started my lessons, and man it was hard, every time I finished I had headaches and tingling sense in my nose and my hand also hurts. But it was fun though.

A couple of months since the lessons I found out there was a orchestra in my campus, so I joined because I think my flute playing skills can be improved. The I met some seniors that are flute players too. I joined the orchestra because I wanted to learn, but nope, the orchestra put me in some shows immediately, despite my super limited skills. But hey, challenges are a way to improve. Luckily I have seniors that can hide my mistakes when playing. (But now I play alone though)

My flute case (I had to make things more appropriate)

Guess which one is me.

Till now, I performed in some shows in my campus, and it is hella fun. Before writing this post I was performing in my campus with Can't Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley and people singed along.  Although being an introvert,  I do enjoy performing, but not alone, the flute requires to have some companionship so I always perform with other people. I am not that good at playing the flute, but I really enjoyed it. And playing a kinda "rare" instrument, has it benefits, I am pretty sure that I performed so much because it's isn't a common instrument, not because I'm crazy talented.  I've only played it for 2.5 years.

The flute has made me lots and lots of new friends, new and interesting experiences, and the most important is, the Flute has gave me a new found confidence. Thank you you cylindrical piece of metal.
And also thank you to my aunt, because of her super random idea, all of this happened.

My Alone Feels So Good

Whenever I go shopping, to the movies, or just casually strolling, most of the time I do it alone.
When people found out, lots of them to my surprise are sad, and offer to go with me if I want to go out.

The thing is, It's not that I don't have friends or I don't like people, but it's just that my alone feels so good. Being alone in my room is always what I'm looking for at the end of the day and all day.




I mean most people likes to talk about other people, gossiping, and stuff that's irrelevant for the world and my existence. These people like to stab you in the back for no apparent reason and create dramas too, weird right? That's why, I rather stay home with my laptop, wi-fi, some ice cream, in my pajamas, and preferably with a cat or a dog (or both).

That's why the good people who are sad about me being alone, thank you for your kind offerings, but no thanks, my alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you are sweeter than my solitude.

When an INTJ Female Got Proposed

Whenever I see marriage proposals on youtube,
I always wonder why do the girls always say yes really quickly,
If I were them I'd be pulling out a letter of agreement first, ask for my-husband-to-be to sign it, have a few discussions about my future, asking if he is not joking, making sure he is conscious when he made the decision to propose,
double check, and if I'm really sure then I will say yes.

Being an INTJ in the Myers Brigg 16 personalities chart, made me think what's in it for me first.
I mean, you don't know that guy or girl will change right?
Not being a jerk but I really don't like if people letting me down
If you're an intj, do you agree?

Birthday

Today I am 21.

Freakin 21.

Almost a quarter of a decade.

Wow.

- - - - - - - - - -- - - -

Well, at this point, maybe like everyone else, i’ll be thinking slash contemplating what i did for the past years that is actually useful for this world. And the answer is like probably everyone else, (unless you’re like, malala) is no, i think i didnt do shit. Hahaha

But i think i’m more mature now, birthday wise. This year I actually don’t hope for presents (well i still kinda want  them but i won’t be as sad if i didn’t get em) this year I actually hope that I can earn money by myself. I’m lucky that my parents still pay my bills because i’m still in college. And being an art student, it isnt cheap, maybe the tuition is kinda cheap for college but man, every week I gotta buy supplies for projects and everytime I ask money to my parents for these stuff it’s like ripping my heart out.

Other things that I hope at this birthday is to be more content and calm. This semester has been a wild roller coaster ride, emotionally and physically. This semester I got lots and lots of new friends, I joined a Student Orchestra which is great, lots of new friends from diferrent backgrounds and different instruments, one of them even likes to knit too and we now sometimes sell our stuffs at festivals and fairs!  I sometimes have  jobs performing and currently been practicing everyday over 3 months for a big concert. And I too recently joined some type of sudent council(?) I don’t really know the word in english but we make seminars and projects and lots of stuff and that’s a lot of fun too. But all of these has kinda take my time off. I mean, it’s great that I’m more productive but sometimes it’s just overwhelming. At least in my head. I think I just gotta meditate more.

Last thing that I hope is, to know what will I do with my life? I know I will do something with art, there’s no doubt about it. Art, is my passion, my life, and i believe that is my calling. I’m majoring in product design now, I really like it, but sometimes i question it. I know maybe it sounds kinda ungrateful because I draw and make stuff for studying not algebra or math, but really, I sometimes question my desicion. I didn’t enjoy making things like I usually do, I dread it now. Like really dreading it. My projects now, I dont do it right awal like i used to. Maybe it’s because I’m taking the wrong major? I realized I really enjoy making stuff from fabric, but I dont actually want to be in fashion. I really like to draw too, but I don’t only want to make 2 dimensional stuff, that’s why I dont take visual communication design. I really love fine arts too, but I don’t want to make stuff that is only please the eyes, I want it to be functional too.

Thanks for reading this piece of my mind. Taking off something from your chest is feels good, and you guys should do it too!

Aaaand Happy Birthday to me!

*P.S. : I'm actually writing this at the library, Guess there's no party today 

Figuring "it" Out

Hi. I've been deleting, re-posting, deleting again, re-posting again this blog for a few time and I think it's time to commit cause whenever I feel things I always write them down but somehow I want other people to read it too. So this blog is for reals now, I'm gonna write everything that means to me and everything that is happen to me but only the one that's worth writing though.

Well for starters, let me introduce my self, my name is Tamara,  I'm a product design student from Indonesia, in the 6th semester right now, creeping my way out to become a designer. And by the way I'm 20 years old now.

One of the reasons I want to start my blog again is because at this age, my early 20s, is the time where people start evolving mentally. I've been through stuff that makes me think and realized what this world is. Maybe my blog is going to be really cliche, but that whats actually happening.

I hope you guys or who ever is reading will enjoy this piece or maybe chunks of my mind.
Thankyou.