I am a highly critical person, I don't take something as it is, I always analyze it and always see it from an objective point of view. Same goes to my religion. I was born a Muslim, and my family isn't extremely religious, and since I was little I was exposed to many cultures and religions, so I had many point of views.
My parents since high school always gave me the freedom to pick my own school. Me, being little, always followed my brother's chosen school which happens to be an Islamic school. I don't know why he chose the school but I think he also follows his friends.
In these Islamic schools (junior high and senior high) I was thought the culture, the way to pray, the language, the history, etc etc, but i wasn't thought why. Why? I didn't know why I had to study Arabic. I didn't know why I have to pray. I didn't know why I have to study the culture. I didn't know why I had to cover my hair. I essentially didn't care at all at that time, because no teacher answered my curiosity, but they always answer the smart and outgoing kids though, me being an ordinary (physically and grades) maybe is why.
They always lecture us every afternoon, but the lectures are always making us feel guilty, blaming, or scaring us, rather than encouraging us. At that age I always thought that they are what Muslim should be like, and I am not like them, like praying until they cry, fasting every week or so, saying the love the prophet Muhammad so much etc. These teacher always gave me an impression that if I'm not knowledgeable enough about the history, the Quran, and all the other stuff that they are "masters" in, then i'm not worthy of heaven or Islam it self. It made me feel a bit frightened and reluctant to study about Islam.
Same for the media and the "religious" people around me. A guy I know always prays to the masjid, like always, but he has a temper problem, and doesn't want to hear anyone else's opinion and sometimes like to hurt other people with his words. The ustadz in my neighbourhood once said bad things about the jakarta's governer just because he isn't a muslim. Lots of "muslim" people like to bash other person that's maybe not wearing the hijab or doing something that they think is haram, we all sin in a different way you know.
But I didn't become skeptic or gave up though, deep down I knew that Islam is not like this.
Some people, made me feel what "Islam" is really like. Like my mom, she didn't wear the hijab at that time, but she always have a patience like no other, and always gives back to people without telling anyone. I had a Syekh from Egypt who teaches the Quran and Arabic at my senior high, who teaches it so easily and not forcing or scaring us, and that was my first time that I was genuinely wanted to study Arabic.
Then at college, I had lots of questions regarding Islam, so I finally had the courage to search on Youtube for the answers because when I read blogposts or websites I didn't really understand the words and got bored. Then, Nouman Ali Khan came in the search results. I really don't like hearing religious lectures because i'm a bit traumatized at senior and junior high. But this dude, is great. The ustadz here in Indonesia are always somewhat mad when giving lectures you know. I've watched his videos a lot, it doesn't scare me or making me feel guilty at all, instead, I was inspired and enlightened. No hate, highly rational, tolerant, not forcing, and calm is all a Muslim should be
I really like this lecture that he gave :
I think that Islam in my country is just messed up really. There are lots of fanatics who claimed to be masters, and mixing it with politics and money, and I bet they don't really understand the true essence of Islam and lots of them have followers who follow them merely because they're in the same side, and complicates it even more.
I am lucky. I didn't run away completely from islam like lots of people because they' are rather scared, The thought that they aren't worthy enough to even try.
I still am not a good Muslim. But I try to learn it, my way, I try to get closer and closer to god each day, in my own silence and comfort, because to me, religion is something sacred, spiritual, personal, because it my relationship and connection to god. Religion is not something to boast, and to force people.
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